Courtesy Ariel Lucky

Ariel Lucky says he's learned to relate to his kids through play.

Today marks the 100th anniversary of Father’s Day. And as men provide more day-to-day care of children and develop awareness of their own emotions, the meaning of fatherhood has changed, say Oakland father-and-son Paul Kivel and Ariel Lucky.

Both men have made careers grappling with the tough issues of identity and the role of men. We spoke to Kivel and Lucky about what Father’s Day – and fatherhood – means to them.

Paul, 62, has three grown children including Ariel. He’s a violence prevention educator and author of the book, “Boys Will be Men: Raising Our Sons for Courage, Caring and Community.” He also founded the Oakland Men’s Project.

Ariel, 30, is the father of two sons – 4-year-old Mateo and 10-month-old Miko. As a hip-hop theater artist, Ariel’s performances tell of personal and political transformation.

Oakland Scene: What does being a father mean for you right now?

Paul Kivel: It was a tremendous challenge for me to redefine what it means to be a father. I grew up in a white suburban neighborhood where fatherhood was defined narrowly. I also came of age in the feminist movement and started the Oakland Men’s Project in 1979. And when I became a father, it turned out that I was the one at home most of the time doing the nitty-gritty work of raising the kids. I had to figure out day-by-day what these new ways of thinking and experiences meant for me.

Ariel Lucky: The time that I spend with my boys is the best part of my day. The primary way they relate to the world is through playing, and if I want to connect, that’s what I have to do. By playing with them, I get to experience the world through the lens of play.

OS: What’s your ideal way to celebrate Father’s Day?

PK: I like to be around my kids and my grandkids. I don’t want cards or presents. I want time with them.

AL: Quality time with my family outdoors in nature and just hanging out. At this point, the less structured and formal, the better because the rest of my life is go, go, go.

OS: Do you have any advice for other fathers?

PL: Realize our role in the ultimate web of life is the everyday caring that we give to each other. It’s devalued, and often causes men to be disconnected from their children and the natural world.

My advice is to relax and enjoy the caretaking and the nurturing. That’s hard for parents in general, and there’s so little support for families. But kids grow up too quickly.

AL: To me, fatherhood is a practice, as opposed to a destination. Practice creates reflective action. In our daily lives, it’s too easy to get caught up. Hot issues for me are discipline and how we talk to our children. I ask myself, 'What are my children’s needs?' And I try to put my kids' needs first and come from a source of love.

Courtesy Paul Kivel

Paul Kivel doesn't want cards or presents for Father's Day. All he wants is to be around my kids and grandkids.

OS: How are you a different father than your own dad?

PK: My father worked hard as a professional, came home, took off his shoes and had dinner served to him. I was a stay at home dad.

But that’s not the only difference. My father was completely in his mind and not in his body. I had to learn to be in my body: to feed the kids, play with them and the other physical demands of taking care of children.

At first, I was trying to be in control of my feelings, like my father. But I learned to recognize, acknowledge, and express a range of emotions. I learned to develop an outlet for my strong feelings of love and affection and to communicate in caring ways. And that was a big difference for me as a father.

AL: I modeled my fatherhood after my father. My father modeled his fatherhood in contradiction. He broke a lot of patterns. But I didn’t have to because I was blessed with a caring, supportive, present father.

But the world has changed and technology has a major impact on my parenting. I’m engaging with my 4-year-old with levels of technology that I didn’t see until high school.

OS: Why are fathers uniquely important?

PK: Kids needs loving adults around them all the time. In our society, we’re focused on women when it comes to parenting, but it’s important that men step up, too.

Boys are looking for healthy models as they become men. But even today, we have so few men that are outside the traditional model of fatherhood. Men can model being gentle and caring by playing with their kids.

AL: On one hand, there are so many models of families: two moms, two dads, grandparents, etc… But fathers have a unique energy that’s different from mothers and play a special role in a child’s life.

Also, there is a tension in fathers’ lives. There are many fathers that are not present at home. Some men feel pressure to change the world but at the same time, raising children has never-ending demands. For me, I’m figuring out a way to put my family first because I feel that I am more important to my children than to anyone in the world.